Dog-faced haters

Looks like my blog has some effect on critics. There are people who, in the name of fun and humor take things like these well and then there are those who simply can't deal with it. It creates that nauseatic feeling in their hungry stomachs, that they simply want to get back at you. They resort to abuses, threats & even worse, cowardly incognito identities, cos they're too scared for a real confrontation & somehow try to bring you down.

What commoners fail to acknowledge is the fact that Truth can be harsh & that a blog is a private space for a person to express their views. You either love it or hate it. You cannot change an individual's perception UNLESS you're one of the person being written about and somehow wanna cover up your face. You so want everything to disappear, cos Its pinching your half-ass guts. Haters will forever live & so will lovers of truth & humor.

My message to such folks - Don't burn your blood reading about yourself or someone close to you. Grow up and have a laugh. If you can't, then take your wet pants & go to hell. Plenty of fire to keep you warm there. ROFLMAO.

The vibrant side of the circus

This is more of a part 2 of the previous entry. Some people are blessed with stupendous imagination, some, like me on the other hand have a twisted one. Fruits of temporary unemployment calls for another update ! Ever happened to you that you see different forms of people through your mental eye? They resemble some or the other person you have met in your life and you often associate them with those people... or even things. So, I am going to list down a few people I previously worked with and who they resembled to me. Get set:

• THE CHIMP: I am talking of no one but my closest neighbour - Queen Bee. Let's do this in chronological order. I did mentioned the lady needed a nose job. I was also working on this project about apes and often the thought crossed my mind that WOW ! Those strong and naturally endowed creatures. They made a movie on them and I am sitting right next to one. 

• BETAAL Most Indians would be aware of this TV series that aired on Doordarshan back in early 90's.  The show was popularly known as "Vikram & Betaal". I am not talking of the prince with jewelry but the strange looking creature behind him. Notice how fair he appears, a silver version of Goldie locks ? Now, all you do is imagine that creature with Jet black hair & skin tone. Voila ! You got the hand of the Queen Bee. You can add a couple warts and zits as per your whims and fancies.Oh please go ahead and be generous.

 Now let us proceed to the lesser mortals who fought and are fighting the battle like homeless soldiers.

• PUFFER FISH. This wasn't totally my idea but the idea of a friend and colleague who I believe is born with an even more twisted imagination compared to mine. We were bored to death and decided to use google images to kill it. My previous posts do mention the 'Hairy penguin'. The Penguin has many guises. And this one, to the best of my knowledge, is the most appropriate description of the Hairy Mary. Round and stout (In short, I meant to say FAT, yeah that's right). Awww, isn't she cute ? I feel like using her for a game of ball with my imaginary dog, right now. Only thing different about this picture is YOU CAN'T HOLD THE HAIRY MARY IN YOUR HANDS. Maybe you can, If you were Gulliver in the land of the Giants. 

• COCKATOO : We always have a case of the stud out of high school, with low waist jeans, very creative hair-do's, trying hard to be the eye candy, lots of extra hair gel, Ego that is bigger than the size of their dicks etc What If they one fine day decide to gain some more attention and go get a Mohawk ? My best answer - They look like a cockatoo. That's right, a Cockatoo. Don't you find similarities in the hair-do ? C'mon. Get creative ! I'll show you how. I started calling him cockatoo. Imagine a world where you could call people by whatever names they reminded you of ? Won't that be considered free will ? "Hey cockatoo, how are you today ? Wanna gran some munchies off of my palms ? Here, Let me taste it for ya...". Tellin' ya! They copied the cockatoo.

An average human sporting a Mohawk

Now - Look at the beautiful creation of the all mighty. See for yourself the similarities.

•  CHANAKYA:   Who is the next victim you may ask ? This is a lady who is everywhere, at all times, making her presence felt every now and then at the most expected places like the Pantry for free biscuits, cafeteria for dinner (the first in line), the ladies powder room (wonder why they call it so) and last but not the least, your thoughts. Rumor has it that she wears a wig to work. Also, I am sure in her other personal activities. I don't mean to be rude here, even though chances are that I am acting out to be rude, but there was something about the baldness. It wasn't until I saw this image at an after hour party at a friends place, couple months back that It struck me. There she was ! She would look exactly like this without the wig on. I am not sure on the pigtail part yet.

• THE GRINCH:  If you'd ask me to pick a twin for Hairy Penguin AKA Puffer fish, This would be it. The Grinch. That grim looking haggard of a character that has grown so close to our hearts by now. Mention Christmas and you can't miss out on the Grinch. What does the Grinch do during the rest of the year ? Simple. Grinch works for my previous employer :-D I can recall on the days when I wondered what was wrong with her? Why does she always look so mad ? Is it me ? Later, I came to terms with the facts that, It's not me. That's how she is. And let us now honor her in my exclusive Hall of fame. Kiss me God !  

Trust me this is no joke. All the people I mentioned this to took a few minutes of careful examination and finally agreed with the fact, that the person bears a strikingly close resemblance.

• YODA: They call her the mouse. They also call her "weirdly strange", a term I still haven't understood fully. And I call her - YODA. Why the wisdom filled Yoda, you may ask ? It's not the Wisdom. Has anybody took a close look at Yoda's aesthetics ? She's tiny, puny, weirdly strange nose, weirdly strange eyes and before you turn back to take another look at her exotic beauty, she's gone. Oh no ! You have to look down. I told you she's small. A pleasant chic who has a flair for sweet talking. So much sweetness can get to your nerves and you wonder, why me ?  What did I deserve to be blessed with all this sweetness? Her most favorite line from the depths of my memories - Hey Hun !. That's right. Everybody is a hun. Everybody seems like the hot cross bun to our lady who views life with rose tinted glasses. 

• GOLLUM: Let's be quick about Gollum. The person I am talking of thoroughly enjoys gossips, is utterly vicious, will go to any lengths to get back at a person and has been slogging her ass of for peanuts and getting nowhere, just like the rest of the slaves in that dungeon. Now, add some hair to this creature please. Isn't it strange how some people are amazingly short of hair and some are blessed with abundance ?

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• THE BAUS - VIPER: Wow ! Time really flies by. I wish I could recall a few more participants of the circus for you. But I am going to end this post (which will earn me a lot of hatred and synonyms from people) with the Baus. Strangely, I am not the only one who gave her this name. 90 % of the people in our department address her as the viper and It is an apt one. The Vicious Viper. That classic line - We need to talk - not only scares cheating spouses, but also helpless employees. Especially when It comes from The Baus and even worse If you've got the brainless but petrifying one. And what you get after that is 30-60 minutes of non stop verbal diarrhea, that was intended to make you feel lowly, unwanted, rejected - in short - the scum of the earth. And after the Viper spews her venom, she ends the book of bullshit with a nice note in the end - Do you have any questions ? To which an average employee wonders - What just happened here ? and responds with a quick - No. Suddenly you see a smile on her pale blood sucked face. Its the smirk of victory. Victory over lesser mortals to show them the right place. The wave of superiority taking her over in her delusional head. Making her feel like the unconquerable. I don't have to tell you how some people thrive on attention and forceful respect that they dont earn but beg for.

I am sure all these people must mean something to someone in their lives and that they might not be as bad as I think they are. But we all see different sides to a person. I also understand, If you'd really hate me for this. I have a thought and there comes the urge to express. I love introducing people through my eyes. I'll be back with some more ;-)

Digital Circus

The good day is here ! And why is it a good day ? Because I finally got to get out of my sickeningly boring desk job as a subtitle editor, for more than a year. It feels like doing time or you can also say, community service and then finally seeing the sun. I always thought I made a mistake pursuing flying as a career. Being a flight attendant was boring and you didn’t really have much to do but simply fly to places. I flew domestic for three years. Then I settled for the worse job of my life. Now, I feel, It wasn’t worse, In fact It opened my eyes to appreciate how good my previous job was. 

I worked at a place where you get paid peanuts to sit in the same place and labor for hours with no extra pay. A place where you work under dumb bitches, who have no life and no face. Where being a guy pays off. If you’re a dude and you enjoy flirting with your managers, taking them out on rides on weekends, cracking crappy jokes, you get promotions and earn rewards with only a few months of service. Where, you’re managers torture you like they own you to finish up work. Where all that men are looking forward to is getting women laid and vice versa. Where people don’t have a future and the only one’s who do, don’t have a life so they toil for years and then become managers. Not because they’re hardworkers, but because of their servile nature to take shit and lick asses. Also, importantly, because they were the only one’s who decided to stay when rest of the people decided It was enough. 

 

Whew ! Really frustrated I was you must think ? Yes I was. And there are still people working there, who are as much frustrated but don’t know what to do about it. I still recall this incident where I was flooded with so much work that I started stressing out. I was working 14-15 hours continuously at a stretch, with a pat on the back next day, from this grim and ugly looking Team lead – Hey Good job! Then I couldn’t take it anymore and I finally complained. And guess what happens when you complain ? My puny and pale looking manager doesn’t know how to deal with this and says – It’s because you are taking too many breaks. Wow ! So, she was keeping a tab on my breaks sitting inside a cabin all day ? Or was it when she was spending time talking to those boys half her age who were busy lacing her up with false flattery to get ahead of their career. 

 Now, here’s another incident which is very funny. I finally decide to let the cat out of the bag about my new job and plans to quit. So, I enter the cabin and tell her – hey, I got a new job offer. I know she shouldn’t be so happy about it, after the high rate of attrition the department  was experiencing. But guess what I get to hear ? Instead of wishing me well with a fake smile, I get lessons on honesty, integrity and disappointment. Seriously ! Our country needs such speeches, our politicians need to hire these mangers, for they hold the key to all the answers that can eradicate the root of all evil holding back the progress of this country. She calls me a backstabber and a dishonest person. All because I looked out for myself and got a better job that is going to pay me 3 times atleast of what she is earning? And then, another strategy comes into play. According to her,  my future employer, might go down in a year and I might be left with no job. Seriously ? I thought I was getting somewhere with Tarot reading. But this woman was born with a crystal ball in her brain. Speaking of balls, she’s got them at the wrong place anyway.

They changed my place of seating to make me sit right behind the right hand of the Queen with no crown. Assistant manager. Double whammy ! Imagine hearing about biscuits, dresses, travel trips & utter bullshit coming out of a woman who needs a nose job ? And there’s the team lead. Another lady who seriously has personality development issues. Remember how there’s one geek in every class, who failed in the looks department but is a studious, hard worker ? Jesus ! I can go on and on and on and on.

And you don’t even know about the people. I've already mentioned some cases previously in this blog. The Hooker girl disposing birth control tablet wrappers in the dustbin; Music man - He suffered food poisoining and quit the place soon; Ape man - Throwing mucous around through the cab window, hairy penguin and so on. One guy blogs about how he met a chic and writes some exaggerated version of the story, to gain some brownie points. A metal head. Guess his brain fell off head banging. Another guy who thrived there for almost 7 years and I pretty much think, tried boning all the chics there were in the years, starts buying gifts for girls to please them. I remember he asked me out right after boning a girl who was a friend of mine. And then he says – I never got rejected in my life from any dame. And trust me, nothing pleased me more than rejecting his sorry ass. Most women are ugly. The few who are pretty birds are chased by these wolves and eventually, most of the times, get hunted and raped. Bang ! You’re done.

 And then there are the Pot smokers. 90% f the people consists of pot smokers. Guys who never made it anywhere in life, got hold of some stash, go blow it on every break, come back stoned and sit glued to their monitors. And the management, I believe, knows about this and does nothing. Why? ‘Cos 90% of their job is done by these pot smokers. I always wanted to blog about it but couldn’t. ‘Cos I was working for them. And now that I don’t. I feel obliged to share my wisdom and knowledge. 

So, here I am ! Free as a bird to spread my wings and fly. And I hope I never have to work in a place like that again K Tata !